Blair had known Deacon was different. It was one of the things that was so attractive about him. Different than all the guys she’d known. Being with him made her different too.
She loved that about him. That she wasn’t fighting to keep herself up against the tidal wave trying to pull her down. Rather, she was fighting to make herself better, not necessarily to deserve him, but because he inspired that in her.
She supposed this was what all the teachings from her childhood had meant about surrounding herself with the right kind of friends. Deacon was definitely the right kind of friend. She wasn’t feeling friendly toward him. Or, maybe more accurately, she didn’t want to be just friends with him.
She wasn’t sure exactly how he felt, but she appreciated the fact that he wasn’t pushing her to do more than what she was ready for.
Although, the way she felt, she was ready to do more than what they were doing.
Holding him close gave her strength in a way she hadn’t anticipated, though. It didn’t take away those feelings of rejection and the questions of why hadn’t she been good enough for her dad to love her. But just having him there, understanding and offering his support, was better than anything else in her life so far.
Maybe she was taking advantage of him, since he seemed so hesitant to hold her. Maybe they could talk about that, in a bit, after she was ready to let go.
“Uncle Deacon! Miss Blair!” Huck’s shrill voice shot across the creek and meadow. “Are you guys coming? We want to go down to the deep part where the tree is and see if we can walk across.”
Deacon’s voice came low and soft. “You ready? Do you want to go?”
She nodded, leaning back just a little. “Thank you.”
He looked down, and their eyes met. He was shaking his head. “No. Thank you, for trusting me.”
She took a breath. Because that’s what it was. She trusted him. Completely. Maybe she shouldn’t. Although, there was just something about him that went along with his integrity and the strength that he exuded. Maybe it was fanciful, but she kinda felt that someone who walked so close to Jesus couldn’t help but shine a little bit like Him. Maybe that was it.
It made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. Not good enough to be here, not good enough to be held. Not good enough to be with him.
“Thank you for being the kind of man that I can trust.” She forced her lips up into a smile, one she hoped looked genuine. “Now, I get to have the childhood thrill of wading in the creek.”
He smiled along with her, even if he wasn’t completely fooled by her forced attempt. In her experience, when she forced it, the true feelings eventually came along.
“Well, I think this is a little different. When they walk on the log across the creek, the goal is to not fall in.” He winked at her. “It’s pretty deep down here. They’re not allowed to go unless I’m right with them.”
“Oh, sounds dangerous.”
“It’s not. They don’t have to swim, and there’s no danger with current or anything. They’re just pretty young yet.”
This time, she didn’t wait for him to offer his hand but took it with hers. He looked over with a smile, and she assumed that meant he liked it.
Man, she couldn’t figure it out. Maybe she just wasn’t used to moving that slow. She’d never been with a man who had not let her know with leering looks if not actual words exactly what he wanted. This was new. Respectful, and she liked it.
“Daddy, remember last time I was able to walk the whole way across?” Tinsley called from where she stood at the edge of the creek where it began to widen and deepen.
Now that they were closer, Blair could see the log that stretched across the stream. Just an old tree that had fallen down and spanned the creek.
“I remember, baby. Bet you can do it again too.”
Tinsley gave a huge smile, and Blair’s heart twisted. She was so beautiful. And happy.
That little nagging voice reminded her that she was keeping something from Deacon, something important. Not just about who Tinsley’s mother was. But who the father was too.
“All right, guys, if you all make it across without falling in, I’ll walk across too,” Deacon called, the smile evident in his voice.
“Yay!” the kids all called as they ran to the edge of the tree and climbed on. Huck started over first, and he fell in about four steps later. All the kids laughed, and Blair had to as well, just because his face looked so surprised as his arms windmilled before he tipped into the water.
He popped back up, grinning, and after the noise died down, Deacon said, “A little slower, buddy. You could make it, but you gotta go slow and steady.”
“But when I go fast, I get through it quicker.”
“Do it your way then. Or you can do it like last time when you tried my way. You made it across then.”
“Uncle Deacon said it was like life, Huck. Slow and steady.” RaeAnne, on the log next, said that over her shoulder as she walked across the log, slow and steady. Unlike the rest of the children, her hair wasn’t wet. She’d been in the creek, but not with as much abandon.
“That’s right, RaeAnne. I’m impressed that you remembered. It’s actually a good life lesson,” Deacon said casually. He wasn’t preaching at the kids. Blair figured they wouldn’t remember anyway if he did. It was less about what he said and more about what he did.
Maybe if she’d had a good example growing up, she wouldn’t have needed to worry about following what her mom said, and she could have just watched and followed that good example.
Flawed logic, because her mom had been a good example. Maybe she was just so resentful that her dad didn’t care and wasn’t around. Maybe that was the problem.
Shoving those thoughts aside, she tried to focus on the here and now. Thinking about that stuff never helped.
RaeAnne made it across, and the other kids cheered for her. She turned around. “Kylie, come on. You can do it.”
Blair found it sweet that RaeAnne was encouraging rather than taunting.
Kylie stepped up to the log, a little timid and unsure.
Behind her, Tinsley said, “You can do it, Kylie. Just go slow.”
Kylie made it a little further than Huck did, and then she fell in with a squeal and a laugh.
Beside her, Deacon watched intently until her head popped up from the water, her face decked out in a mile-wide grin.
“I think it’s just as fun to fall in as it is to get across,” she said as she climbed back out onto the side where she came from.
Tinsley was next, and Blair’s heart trembled in her chest. Was this what it was like to worry about a child?
She’d thought about her baby, her little girl, every day of her life. In the last three years, she’d even been praying for her, which wasn’t necessarily something she’d done in prison too much. Once she’d started to get her life straightened out, she’d done more praying.
Tinsley started across, taking one slow careful step and then another, her arms stretched out and her face smiling, although her brows were drawn together in concentration.
Deacon leaned down. “I’m going to assume that you’re not squeezing my hand in a death grip because you’ve all of a sudden decided that you’re madly in love with me.”
She gasped. She hadn’t even realized she’d been doing it. Her fingers loosened immediately. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. Are you okay?”
He laughed. “Of course I’m okay. I was worried about you.”
Tinsley took another step, wobbling some. Blair couldn’t take her eyes off her, and she couldn’t stop her little catch of breath until Tinsley caught her balance.
Deacon’s gaze shifted from Blair to Tinsley and back again. She could see the movement of his head out of the corner of her eye, but she just couldn’t bring herself to look at him. Couldn’t bring herself to take her eyes off Tinsley.
“You know if she falls, she’ll be okay. You saw the other two. They’re fine.”
She closed her eyes. “I know.” Her breath came out like it was going over potholes. Her eyes opened back up immediately. She needed to see.
Tinsley took another careful step.
“I don’t know what the problem is.” Actually, she shouldn’t have said it, because she did know what the problem was.
She should fix it. This would be a good time to tell him. Except, no, it wouldn’t. Because she needed to see if Tinsley was going to make it across or not.
Her heart beat fast.
“Maybe you should go next, so you can see this is not a big deal.”
“I’ll go. I just…” She was just nervous about her child. She hadn’t had years to get used to seeing her do dangerous things. Or even non-dangerous things that felt dangerous to a mother’s heart.
“Will it make you feel better if I go over and walk behind her?”
She shook her head. “No. I can see how this helps the kids. They’re doing something that seems dangerous but probably isn’t going to hurt them, and it helps them see that they can do hard things. I get that, and this is really great for them. It’s just…scary.”
“Did you just figure that out when Tinsley got on? I didn’t notice you squeezing my fingers with the other ones.”
“Maybe. Maybe Tinsley just seems different.” There. That was the truth. She needed to be honest. Tinsley was halfway across, and Blair tried to force herself to relax. “Looks like she’s going to make it.”
“She’s made it before. She’s actually a pretty smart kid, and that’s part of it, having control of your brain and your emotions, so you don’t get psyched out. It really is good for them.”
“I guess in a weird way you’re saying that maybe I’m trying to be too careful with the kids?”
“Maybe. It’s never easy to see someone get hurt. That can happen. But the goal of life isn’t to not get hurt.”
“Yeah. I guess there’s a balance there.” They shared a smile at her play on the word balance.
“Funny, but true. You can’t let them do stupid things, but you can’t keep them from doing all the things that could be good for them and help them to grow. You know, we could just let them sit inside and watch TV and play video games all day. And I suppose if we did that, they’d learn all the cultural norms of the rest of kids in the country. And maybe in today’s day and age, that’s more important than actually knowing how to take care of yourself and knowing how far to push so you can push yourself to be better.”
“She’s almost over.” Blair put a hand on her heart and exhaled sharply.
“I think this was harder on you than it was on anyone else.”
“I think so.” She laughed a nervous laugh,
“Huck’s gonna want to try to make it across again, then you and I get a turn.” He tugged her hand, and she followed him down the bank to the edge of the creek.
Huck was already on the log, and this time he was going slow, with his hands out and placing his feet carefully. The log was big enough that there was plenty of room for his feet. It wasn’t that high from the water either.
So it wasn’t scary. There was just something about knowing you didn’t want to get wet.
Huck made it across, and everybody cheered.
“Uncle Deacon! Are you coming?” Kylie hollered.
“Yeah, Daddy! Your turn!”
“Do you want to go first?” Deacon said in Blair’s ear.
“No. You go ahead. Show me how it’s done.” Being this close to the water and the log and seeing the narrowness she’d have to walk on made her more nervous than she thought she would be. She watched as he crossed with surprising ease. “Is the water cold?”
Deacon snorted. “Maybe you ought to touch it. Stick your fingers in and check it out. Because, you know, if you haven’t done it before, it might take a little practice before you can actually make it all the way across.”
“Really?” She slanted her gaze at him. “I think you’re saying you don’t think I can make it across?”
“Hey, don’t put words in my mouth. I didn’t say that.”
“I think you did, Uncle Deacon.” RaeAnne tilted her head and tapped her chin, which made Blair smile, because it was obvious she was imitating one of the adults in her life.
The other girls called out, “You did!”
Deacon put his hands on his hips and mock glared at RaeAnne. “Really? Are you ladies all going to gang up on me?”
“Hey, the girls have to stick together. You’re bigger and stronger, but we have strength in numbers.”
“How about that, Huck? We’re outnumbered? They think they’re gonna beat us.” Deacon narrowed his eyes. “I think I should go over and toss her in the creek.”
All of the children said yes to that, with Huck and Kylie jumping up and down, and Tinsley shouting, “Go do it, Daddy.”
“I think all of my teammates left me.”
“It’s funny how the children just love the Three Stooges type of violence. It gets them every time.” Deacon grinned.
“So, if I say, ‘how about let’s push Uncle Deacon in,’ they’ll do it?”
The kids all looked at her for about two seconds, and then RaeAnne said, “Hey! That’s a great idea. We’ll help you.” She put her hand on Deacon’s back and started to push. All the other kids joined in with Deacon good-naturedly allowing it as he stepped forward a couple of steps.
He put one foot on the log, then another, then held his hand up. “Hold up a second. If I’m going to go in the water, I need to take my boots off.”
“No! You’re going in with your boots on,” Huck called.
RaeAnne said loudly, to be heard over all the other noise, “Wait! Let’s let him take them off. Then maybe he’ll get in and swim with us some too.”
“Will you, Uncle Deacon? Will you swim with us?” Kylie asked.
“Daddy, if you fall in, then you have to swim with us, okay?” Tinsley asked, hope shining in her eyes. Then she leaned toward the other kids and made pushing motions with her hands, like her dad couldn’t see it or something. Which of course made Blair laugh.
“Okay, I’ll agree to that, but I can’t fall in because somebody pushes me, it has to be an honest fall.” He set his boots aside, and stood up, lifting his brow and looking at the children. “Agreed?”
They all looked kind of guilty, with Tinsley putting her arms behind her back and rocking back and forth.
“Agreed?” he prompted again.
Huck dug his toes in the ground. “Agreed,” he said a little reluctantly.
Deacon lifted another brow at the girls. Waiting.
“Agreed,” they said together.
He turned to face Blair, who was having a hard time trying to tear her eyes off his bare feet for some reason.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen a man’s bare feet before. Or that she even thought about people’s feet. It was just weird, of all the situations she’d ever seen Deacon in over the last few weeks that she’d been here, preaching, and the hospital, even at the diner and with Inez, or at her house, she just hadn’t thought about his bare feet.
It made him vulnerable and more human almost.
“Okay, so I’ll go back over and get Blair, and get her to walk over with me. If I fall in the water, I’ll swim with you guys. Is that a deal?” He looked around at the kids who were grinning and watching and listening.
They chorused a bunch of yeses, and he started across the log again.
After about four steps, he wiggled and tilted way over to his right side, and Blair thought he was going in the water.
“Ouch. Stepped on a briar or something.” Deacon took his foot and held it up, balancing on one foot on the log. Blair’s fingernails cut into her palms as she watched. She was pretty sure he was going to fall in.
“Oh yeah, I see it.” He wobbled and held his hand out, balancing himself. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to get it, though. It’ll have to wait until later.” He put his foot back down carefully.
He started walking again, though his balance was worse, and Blair attributed that to the thorn he had in his foot.
With a couple more wobbles, he made it across, grinning at her. “You ready?”
“Do you want me to take a look at that thorn in your foot first?”
“Nah. Maybe later. It hurts, but it’ll be okay. You don’t have anything to take it out with anyway, and it wasn’t sticking out far enough for me to grab a hold of it with my fingernails.”
“Okay. When we get back to the house, we’ll do it.”
“Are you okay with falling in?”
“So now you think I’m going to fall in?”
“No. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with it. There’s always that chance.”
“I don’t know. It wasn’t as scary when we were back on the bank watching the kids. When I’m standing here looking at it, it seems like the very worst thing that could happen would be that I would fall in.”
“Tell you what. If you lose your balance and start to fall, I’ll go with you.”
She narrowed her eyes, looking at him. Pursing her lips, she said, “Does that mean that I have to fall in with you if you start?”
“Pretty sure the unwritten law is people don’t let their pastor fall in the creek by himself.”
“Well, I haven’t been here very long, are you my pastor?”
“Do you have a different one?” He tilted his head.
“Good point.” She looked down. She might’ve gone to a few different churches kinda sporadically over the last few years, but no, she didn’t have a pastor.
He touched her chin with his finger. “Hey. There’s nothing wrong with that. Chin up.”
She closed her eyes, then deliberately opened them and met his. “I know. I don’t know why I have to be so serious all the time. I guess I just hate all the things I’ve done that I can’t be proud of.”
“Forgive yourself. God’s already done it.”
She nodded. “It sounds easy. Sometimes reality is just a little harder.”
“Sometimes we make it harder. So hard to say, ‘here, God, take this.’ Then walk away from it. You gotta reach in your mind and take any of those thoughts that need to come out and toss them.”
“Another thing that sounds easy.”
“It’s completely possible though.”
“You’re speaking from experience?”
“I just know God wouldn’t command us to do something that we couldn’t. ‘Take every thought captive.’ We can do it.”
She’d forgotten about that verse. It was true; it made sense that God wouldn’t command people to do something they couldn’t.
She liked the idea of grabbing her thoughts and putting them in prison. “All right, I’m taking captive the thought that I might fall in the water.”
“Sounds like you’re ready.” He stepped off the log and to the side. “You go first. I’ll be behind you. I’ll even hold your hands if you want.”
“Is that cheating?” she asked over her shoulder.
“I don’t think so. It’s your first time. I think you’re allowed to have a little help.”
“Okay. If you’re sure it can’t be considered cheating, I would definitely like that help.” She took a breath to steady herself. Her lungs felt like they couldn’t get enough air, and her knees were shaking. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous about this. It’s not like some of the kids haven’t fallen in already. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“It’s not, but I understand how it could be scary for you, since you’ve never been in the creek before.” He paused for just a moment. “You do know how to swim, correct?”
“Yes. I had a friend who had summer passes at the pool in Trumbull. I learned there. But I’m not the greatest.”
“It’s not even over your head. But I just wanted to check.”
“Okay, here goes.” She put one foot on the log, sticking her arms out. His hands slid down her forearms to her fingers, palms up. He didn’t try to grab a hold of her but left that up to her, and she appreciated it.
Her first trembling step was followed by another one and another until they were almost halfway across. “I’m starting to think we’re gonna make it.”
“I always thought we would.”
From over on the other side of the bank, Huck called, “Uncle Deacon, push her in!” All the other kids started calling the same thing, and behind her, Deacon chuckled.
“Bloodthirsty little buggers.”
She probably would have been okay, if she hadn’t had to laugh at Deacon calling his nieces and nephew bloodthirsty little buggers.
“Oh! Oh, no!” She tilted way over to the side. Deacon’s hands steadied her, and she tilted back the other way. Again his hand was there, and she almost had herself balanced and thought she’d be okay, except she saw the water under her, and her reflection in it, and the precarious way they seemed to be perched on the log, and panic grabbed her throat with a cold, dead grip, weakening her knees and curling in her stomach.
She lost her confidence and almost fatalistically started to fall.
“No.” Behind her, Deacon breathed the word under his breath. “I don’t think I can stop you,” was the last thing she heard him saying before she tumbled off the log, and at that point, his hands gripped hers, and they fell together into the water with a big splash.
© 2024 Jessie Gussman – All rights reserved.